I told my husband that I want a divorce this morning.
He was obviously quite shocked.
Our family and friends might also be a little shocked to hear this. Or maybe they won’t?
It might come as a surprise to some that our marriage hasn’t always been a happy one. And it might be a little shocking that I’m openly admitting this online. It’s not something that is easy to talk about. It’s much easier to keep up the facade that everything has been rosy.
We met online about 7 years ago.
Yes, gasp, we are an RSVP couple. We lived 1500km apart and due to circumstances we moved in together an embarked on a 4 week camping trip together just a few weeks after meeting [this is possibly a whole other blog post!]
A new relationship and 4 weeks on the road in Australia’s North West. Did I mention I hate camping?
So fast forward a few months and Waz popped the question. Complete with 1.5 carat diamond ring at my request [in fact maybe the problems started when I said that I would say no unless he proposed with anything less than 1 carat haha].
We’ll just forget that he did it at a Metallica concert ok. Let’s go with at the Crown Towers the day after my birthday ok.
We planned to get married the next year, in the September. It was to be a destination wedding at Home Valley Station on the Gibb River Road. As our relationship had blossomed on our camping trip, we felt it was only fitting that we got married in the red dirt.
But alas, the universe had other ideas for us.
Unfortunately, my Mum was diagnosed with malignant melanoma in the January, seven months before our wedding.
I’ve never really talked about it before, but having your mum diagnosed with terminal cancer certainly puts a damper on your wedding plans. From then, nothing was normal about planning our wedding. Everything was overshadowed by the cancer.
I still get overwhelmed with emotion when people talk about their dream wedding day. Because due to Mum being sick, we just didn’t get our dream wedding.
I remember the day I went to Perth to choose my dress. I woke up excited, but also knowing that there was a possibility Mum couldn’t come as she was going through chemo. I walked up the stairs to her room and could clearly see she wasn’t well.
She handed me a book she had made me with photos of my childhood and my friends. At the end of the album, she’d written a note to say that she had organised a surprise High Tea with all my friends after I had chosen my dress. She had wanted to surprise me with it right before the time, but she wasn’t going to be able to come with me, so she told me that morning. While the day was beautiful, not having my Mum there to choose my dress was heartbreaking.
By April we knew that Mum simply wouldn’t be able to travel to our wedding in Kununnura in September and so we made the heartbreaking decision to move our wedding forward and have it locally.
We planned our wedding in about 4 weeks.
Our wedding was in June – it absolutely bucketed down to the point where we nearly didn’t get any photos. It was freezing and I had to walk through a kitchen to get to the “aisle” as it was too cold for our beach wedding. Seriously, maybe the universe was trying to tell us something?
But Mum was there.
She passed away a few weeks after our wedding.
There was no honeymoon. Instead we had a funeral. Just let that seep in for a minute. Certainly not the best start to married life huh.
To say that I didn’t cope with my mum dying would be an understatement. And so understandably, this had an effect on our very new marriage.
Team this with my husband having very fragile mental health which lead to a full breakdown just after the birth of our first son, to say that our marriage was happy would quite simply be a lie.
It didn’t help that our first born didn’t sleep … ever … for the first 12 months.
Perhaps we rushed into marriage? But I certainly don’t regret marrying him. In fact, quite the opposite.
And so, now that you know a little backstory to my declaration to my husband, I’ll elaborate on my reason for wanting a divorce.
I want a divorce so that we can get married again.
But this time, start our married life out on a positive note. With some relationship ground rules based on things we’ve learned from each other over the past 6 years.
It’s not about my dream wedding. I’ve come to terms with the fact that we just weren’t meant to have that day, for whatever reason. There is certainly some emotion still lingering around the fact that I didn’t get to have an exciting, wonderful wedding. That it was overshadowed by illness and sadness. But I can’t change the past. I can only shape our future.
We don’t want a big wedding.
Notice I said we. Because he didn’t get his day the way he planned it either.
And after I told him I wanted a divorce and why, he totally loved the idea of what I was proposing (see what I did there?)
I just want me and him, in a destination we agree on, to marry each other, to choose each other and create a positive foundation from which to move forward.
Our current marriage simply doesn’t work.
Maybe it was grief, maybe it was his breakdown, maybe it was my emotional imaturity. Post natal depression? His, not mine. The pressure of kids? FIFO life certainly doesn’t help.
Now you might be wondering how the hell getting married again will make any ounce of difference?
It’s all about mindset.
Over the past year, we’ve worked through so many issues and problems. We have chosen each other again and again.
There have certainly been times when it would have been easier to walk away. To end things and forge out a life on our own.
But after every fight, every disappointment, every failure, we have always decided to keep trying. To find that happiness. To find that life we so desperately want.
And so, we are going to plan a renewal of vows ceremony. I know I said I want a divorce but honestly, that would be kind of silly if we are only going to marry each other again. It’s more about choosing to renew our marriage and set our intentions for how we want to move forward. With happiness. With positivity. With intention.
I know it’s different this time – when I picked up hubby from the airport yesterday, he was holding a copy of The 5 Love Languages – if that’s not commitment, I don’t know what is?
I’ll let you know when we’ve hashed out a plan … watch this space.
*I just wanted to put a disclaimer here – that while my husband and I have had some very unhappy times and major issues in our marriage – we are now very happy and we are staying together because we want to. We have sought help for our marriage problems and been able to move forward with our relationship and could not be happier – hence why we want to mark this occasion with a new wedding and a new marriage based on happier times!